


And you thought tan hands were bad....

by justtoogaytofunction



Series: Klaine Crack Fics [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: Awkwardness, Funny, Humour, Klaine, M/M, orange penis, taning lotion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-16
Updated: 2014-05-16
Packaged: 2018-01-25 09:15:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1643426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justtoogaytofunction/pseuds/justtoogaytofunction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blaine's penis turns orange.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And you thought tan hands were bad....

Blaine’s penis is orange.

Not in the bright orange carrot sort of way, more like fake tan gone wrong. Very wrong. After staring at it for five minutes, Blaine curses and tucks himself back into his pants, heading out the loft to his class. His immediate thought is an STD. But he knows Kurt wouldn’t cheat on him, and what kind of STD makes your penis go orange anyway? Perhaps a skin infection? But Blaine hadn’t been using any different products or condoms. Anyway, it definitely wasn’t normal. Yes, skin down there was generally darker- Blaine definitely was- but orange? That was just weird.

Blaine spends the whole day worrying about his condition, even holding his urge to pee until he gets back home. There’s no way he’s whipping out his orange cock in a public restroom. No way.

Back at the loft, Blaine tries some googling for whatever the hell is wrong with him. But when he types in ‘Why is my penis orange?’ all he gets is some gross photoshop and cheeto jokes. And Blaine hasn’t eaten a cheeto for weeks.

Deciding he’d just wait a while and seeing if it went away, Blaine decides not to investigate further or call his doctor. No one would notice anyway.

‘Honey, are you home?’

Kurt would. Kurt would notice.

Blaine’s quick to delete his internet history before hugging Kurt and giving him a kiss. Kurt seems reluctant to end it, sneaking a curious hand across Blaine’s crotch.

‘Missed you,’ Kurt moans, looking into Blaine’s eyes with a look that is nothing less that a plea for sex. But Blaine is in no fit state for sex.

‘I know,’ he smiles, pretending not to notice Kurt’s hints. ‘I’m so tired, do you want to watch a movie or something? I rented Aladdin.’

‘Maybe later,’ Kurt says, shimmying out of his jacket. ‘If you’re tired though, we could go to bed.’

Before Blaine can think of another excuse not to, Kurt’s grabbing his hand and leading him into their bedroom, pushing Blaine down on the bed.

Kurt’s quick to get things started, peeling off his own t shirt before looking expectantly at Blaine, who’s lying completely still.

‘Are you okay?’ Kurt asks, wondering what’s the matter. Blaine’s never silent during foreplay.

Blaine bites his lips before blurting out the words,’ Kurt, I can’t do this.’

‘What? Why not?’ Kurt asks, looking at Blaine confusedly. ‘Is it your body again? Cause I’ve told you, you’re perfect and-‘

‘No, it’s not that.’ Blaine blushes. God this was awkward. ‘Well, it kind of is. It’s my penis, Kurt. It’s gone orange.’

Kurt’s not sure whether to laugh or scream. Hastily pulling himself together, he dares to ask Blaine to show him.

‘Okay,’ Blaine breathes, unbuttoning his pants. ‘Kurt don’t be…alarmed, okay?’

Kurt promises he won’t be, and stares at Blaine’s crotch.

Once his pants and boxers come off, Kurt’s eyebrows shoot up. What used to be Blaine’s lovely cock, slightly darker that the rest of his skin, was now turned a subtle shade of orange, only just standing out against the rest of his skin.

‘Oh my god,’ Kurt says.

‘It’s- I don’t know why it’s done this, Kurt! And it’s not an STD, I checked, and it’s not like I could have one anyway! And we use the same condoms and lube and I just don’t know why it’s done this to me!’

‘Okay, calm down,’ Kurt says. ‘Have you been using any different creams or something? Different shower gel?’

‘No,’ Blaine says, pouting. ‘Just the same. It’s like someone spray tanned my penis, Kurt!’

And then it dawns on Kurt.

‘Blaine,’ he says tentatively. ‘Have you…have you been using my body cream again?’

‘No, I stopped,’ Blaine said. They shared almost all of their products now they lived together, but Blaine had never really taken to using body cream. Unless he couldn’t find the lube- or it was out of reach. ‘Wait,’ he says, remembering something. ‘I used it when we lost our lube. You were busy a couple of nights so I got off with it. But it’s body cream Kurt, that wouldn’t have made my penis turn orange! And why are you laughing?’

Kurt tries to stop but ends up snorting into his hand.

‘Oh Blaine,’ he giggles. ‘I put some tanning lotion in that. I just thought New York made my pasty and you said you didn’t use it so I put a ton in there. Oh my god Blaine, you’ve tanned your penis!’

‘What?’

Kurt starts giggling uncontrollable, making Blaine sink his head in his hands.

‘Kurt, why didn’t you tell me? Look at me, I’m going to have an orange cock forever! How long does this thing even last?’

‘It washes off in like…a month?’

Blaine runs into the bathroom to get in the shower. The last thing he hears as he closes the door is Kurt’s cackles. Some people just can’t take orange penises seriously.


End file.
